B and I are so alike

The first time I walked into B's room before Jean married her brother and before either of us were married I was taken back. I felt like I had walked into my own room. Jean had told me often that we were a lot alike. That we said the same things and acted the same way. But this was crazy. The colors she used to decorate with, the pictures on her wall, stuffed animals, blankets and even picture frames were all the same as what I had at home in my room.

We like the same color. Our birthdays are only days apart. We wear the same clothing. We even purchased the exact same car; make, model and color. If I had to say any one person in this world that is most like me it would be B. We always laugh at it. Jean always interrupts me to tell me what I just did or said was just like B. B and I always tease that we were twins in heaven and got mixed up here.

Now I think is it really just a coincidence? Or are we so much alike because God had a plan for us? He wanted us to be friends. He wanted B and I to be comfortable with each other and think alike. I would like to think so. I know he has a hand in this new adventure in my life so its easy for me to believe that B and I being so much alike was another sign to help me realize that this is something I am supposed to do.

Did I make the right choice?

I knew this would happen. I knew I would have to deal with these feelings. I guess I just didn't think it would happen so soon. It caught me off guard. I had a reality check from a complete outsider. Risks were brought to my attention. A personal story was shared. It scared me. They were very nice about it, just concerned. I felt completely vulnerable. I questioned my decision. I still felt it was right and real but that tiny bit of doubt crept in.

I called Jean. She, like all my sisters, is always there. Though with Jean in this situation she keeps me on my toes. She says the hard truth. She talks through things with me, questions me. She doesn't want me to make this decision and regret it. For some silly reason she feels that if I do regret it or something bad happens it will be partially her fault. I don't know if that is because she is B's sister-in-law or she is a nurse or she is so close to the situation. I know she would do it herself for B if she could, but she can't right now in her life.

I talked with her about it. We went over the same stuff we have been over before about the reality of the risks. That it can happen. I know this. I have decided I am willing to go through though because I have prayed and felt the spirit so strong that I know its right. I start to feel better. Like I said I knew this was going to happen. I will be questioned. I am sure it will happen often. I am going to have to learn how to deal with it. I knew it would be a hard part about this process for me. I care what people think even though I try not to.

I am actually so grateful this happened now. Sooner then expected and catching me off guard helped me to realize that I have to be prepared for it. Since I haven't told B yet it would be super easy to back out now. If my first encounter with these comments and feelings that it stirred in me happened after I had told B I think I might have questioned myself more, if I made the right choice.

But since it happened before and I feel comfortable backing out still if I wanted, I think I will be able to deal with it all better in the future. So thank you, thank you for being real. I know my decision is still what is best for me and I hope not to question it again.

I still want to be the Sweets BabyMama!

Why Me?

Many of you may be thinking, why is she doing this if they already have a surrogate? Well let me tell you why I think they may consider using me.

First off the obvious, we are friends. Kind of more then friends, like sisters. B and I have always had this connection that is hard to explain, kind of like the feelings I have about this whole adventure.

Second, her current surro has tried 3 times and it has failed. I know it can take years and numerous tries but her current surro has a ton of personal stuff going on right now and has mentioned that she would like to try only one more time. So B has mentioned she would like to find a new surro but really where does someone find one?

Third, I live in the same city as B! The current surro lives in another state. B would not be able to attend Dr appointments or be as involved as I think she would like to. If I do this B could come to every appointment and would be close enough to make it to the birth without traveling.

Fourth, hopefully I can save her some money!

Fifth, B doesn't really have any family that could do it for her. The only family member she has that would even be able to consider doing this for her is Jean. Right now its just not reasonable for Jean to do it.

Still with all these factors in place I have thought about the chance of rejection. Maybe B and N will want to try one more time with their current surro. Maybe they don't want me involved. If that is the case I think I may be crushed. I feel so strongly that this is right and I am ready to go forth with this. I can't wait to experience all the amazing moments this will bring for both of us. Hopefully they choose me.

The next step

Now that I have made my choice the next step is telling B! I am so so so excited to tell her. I want to of course tell her in person. I need to tell her soon so she doesn't proceed with her old surro this last time. I want to tell her so I can talk with her about it all. She will need to talk with N and they will have to decide if they even want to use me.

I was hoping to tell her right away. I know she was going on a vacation with N. I thought it would be the perfect time for them to be able to discuss if they wanted me to help or not. Plus I know the other surro is supposed to go through the IVF again in April sometime. I want B and N to know they have another option.

I tried to see if we could meet for brunch before her flight out but she had to work in the morning. So now I am impatiently waiting for them to return so I can meet with her! Friday can't get here fast enough.

Told the parents

I stood at the top of the stairs listening to them talk with Xbear about a lesson Xbear is going to teach for dad on Sunday, the parents will be gone fishing, my heart was pounding. Was this the moment? The golden opportunity? I told myself to just go down there and if you say something it will be over with, if you don't you can get up the courage to do it when they return.

As I sat there gathering my words I got those same strong feelings. I knew it was time to tell them. I asked them to think about something while they were gone and proceeded to tell them that I have been feeling very strongly about something for quite sometime and I have never felt the spirit so strong over a matter. They all looked concerned. My mom said "You look like your going to cry." I replied "I am." Before I new it I had pored my heart out.

It definitely wasn't as lengthy as my previous conversations but got the point across. To my complete astonishment they were fine with it, completely fine. Dad even said "what did you think, that we would be mad?" That's EXACTLY what I thought. Mom said she was proud of me and they both said they would totally support me. If I felt that I needed to do it then its up to me (obviously, but their support and encouragement means SO much to me).

Xbear and Dad both said they were glad that's "all" it was. That's all, that's all? I just told them I was going to have someone else's baby! They both thought I was joining another faith and didn't believe in our religion anymore or something more serious. Mom thought I was leaving Hubbs or something. Hahahahaha. So I guess in the end they were all just so relieved that it wasn't something tragic.

I feel like I can breathe now and that my decision is more solidified. I love the parents so much and can only hope and pray that I can be such amazing parents to my chitals. To gain my chitals respect and have them hold me in such high regard is a goal I hope to obtain one day.

So I guess the next item of business would be to tell the Sweets.

Decision has been made

Obviously if you couldn't read between the lines throughout my previous posts I think I made my decision quite a while ago. I want to do this. I want to be B and N's surrogate. All the risks and ups and downs are going to be completely worth it. If I don't take this chance and follow my feelings I will regret it for the rest of my life. I don't want to live with that. And I actually really want to do this. I am so excited to begin the process, to tell B!

I have one last thing I want to do before I tell her. I need to talk with my parents. I have been imagining the worst so hopefully it can only be what I think or better. Wish me Luck.

Hubbs thoughts

Hubbs is a good man. He always wants to make me happy. For the most part he lets me get away with a lot of stuff (minor) because he loves me. I know I can be difficult, stubborn and I want my way. I knew with this situation it would be tricky. Not tricky like I need to trick him but tricky cause I feel so strongly but I am not about to make a decision like this without Hubbs behind me 100%. I can't do it without his love and support. If he were to say no, I would have to also.

Hubbs makes me laugh because he is the type of person to just say it how it is, he doesn't sugar coat things. Lots of times he just says what everyone else is thinking but wont say. Many times its just to me because he doesn't want to offend others but every once in a while he just says it.

For example some of his concerns over me being B and N's surro are "that will be weird to have sex knowing that isn't our child in there" and "I don't know if I will be compassionate enough towards you through the pregnancy because its not ours and you would be doing it to yourself". I see his points and am so glad he is the type of person to say these things instead of just think them.

I let him know I understand this and of course I will talk to him about the pregnancy and of course I will tell him the first time the baby moves and how much it weighs and what fruit size it is now. But he wont be the first person I turn to. B will be the first person I would text. B will be the one I would hope could be there at each appointment with me.

After numerous discussions about lots of ups and downs Hubbs has given me the go ahead to make MY decision on the matter.  I love him so much and I am so grateful that he trusts me and loves me enough to do something like this because I FEEL like I should.

What an amazing Husband.