This is a combination of shortened posts about how I made the decision to become a surrogate.
Just a thought
For the past three years in the back of my mind I have always thought I could be a surrogate for B and N, one day when Hubbs
and I are done having littleones.
Just a thought. That
would be crazy. Maybe one day. Just a thought.
3rd Try Failed
Jean text me today and let me know that B and N's 3rd try with their surro FAILED. Devastation. Poor B. Really though, not a surprise.... Hum, why am I not surprised? Um it failed cause its supposed to be me. What? What am I saying here to myself? Ya, I am supposed to be her surro. Right now. Not when Hubbs and I are done having kids but now. What am I
thinking? This is crazy, it will never really happen. It's just too
weird, why am I thinking this way? Still poor B, she deserves to be a
mommy just like everyone else.
Ever since the realization I had that I may really be able to do this
for B and N I am consumed. It's all I think of. I don't think I have
ever felt something so strongly in my life. Every time I think about it
or talk about it I get warm all over, I get goose bumps and I can't
help but cry.
I think I am supposed to have B and N's baby. I know it sounds crazy. I
can't explain this feeling I have that it is supposed to be me. I
thought the timing would never be right until after Hubbs and I were
done with our family. But that always left me to question how I would
handle that? Would I want another one of my own after carrying a
littleone and not keeping it?
The timing might be perfect now. Hubbs and I are not ready for another
littleone for about two years. I don't yearn for a babe right now cause
LittleDarlin is my babe, she is only 3 months old. I could do this for
them and be done before Hubbs and I were planning on trying again.
Is it really a coincidence that B and I are sooo much alike? That we
have always had this connection? What if it was supposed to be this
way? I almost feel like this is apart of my plan. That it is something
that I am supposed to do. There is no other way to explain it except
that if feels right. I feel prompted that this is one of the best
things I could ever do and should do!
Ya it will suck being pregnant and not having that littleone in the end
to take home that makes it all better. BUT knowing that I am giving
that to B and N makes it seem so worth it. All the morning sickness,
tiredness, hormones, birth etc. is so minimal for the amazing outcome!
This could really happen. What will Hubbs say? What will my sisters and
brother think? My parents would be the worst to tell. I look up to them
so much and I think they may not agree with this decision. I don't know
why but I always want to do everything to make them proud. I would never
want to disappoint them or make a decision they don't like. They STILL
have that effect on me like it was when I was a little girl. If I do
this I think that will be one of the hardest parts, telling them.
Oh but how amazing it would be to tell B! To get to tell B that the
pregnancy test is positive. Be there and experience her joy when she
finds out the gender. How happy she will be at her baby showers. And
most of all I can't even imagine that moment when the babe is born and B
and N see it the first time and get to hold it.
I have to do this.
I can't stop these feelings and thoughts. No matter what I do they are
there. I feel so hot. I feel consumed with the thought of being B and
N's surrogate. I have to tell Hubbs. Tell him now, just do it.
That was my thought process as we were heading up the canyon to take
TheBigGuy sledding. So what do I do? Blurt it out. What comes out?
Tears. Emotion. Joy. Warmth. I feel the spirit so strongly now. Talking
about it only makes my feelings that this is right and something I need
to do GROW! I was half expecting Hubbs to say some comment like "no way"
or "what are you thinking?" No. He takes me very seriously and says
"Ok, this is something we need to think about."
So what do I do? Think, and keep thinking. Is this becoming a reality?
I can't help but briefly tell Katie when we see her up there. She basically was like are you serious? This is crazy. She had one thing right, this seems crazy.
Jean's Call
Jean calls, it is the first time we have really talked since we found
out B and N's 3rd try failed. She proceeds to tell me how she feels so
bad for B and wishes she could do it for her but the timing in her life
is just all wrong. She was talking with the girls at work telling them
how she just knows that somehow through HER B is going to have her baby.
She is thinking maybe someone at work. She just knows she has the
answer.
In this moment my heart is once again pounding. I can feel the spirit so
strong. I knew I was going to tell Jean soon but not over the phone.
But I can't help it, I am so overwhelmed with what I feel. Of course I
broke down and did. "Its me, its me" that is all I could say through my
tears. These feelings are so powerful and I feel like they over take me
when I talk about it. Jean sat in silence and listened to me. Then she
told me how she felt it too as I told her about it. Jean knew she had
the answer but couldn't put her finger on it. This could be it. It feels
good. She thinks its supposed to be me. It is no coincidence that B and
I are SO similar. This just seems right.
Jean came over that night and we talked about everything for a long
time. Since she is a L&D nurse and B's sister-in-law I asked her as
many questions I could think of. What are the risks? What meds will I
have to take? How long will I have to take the meds? How long before I
could do it for her since LittleDarlin is only 3 months? How long after
will I need to wait to have another littleone of my own? What is B
planning on doing? Using the same surro as before? When are they going
to try again? How long do I have to make my decision?
I sat and told her all about the feelings I have had for years that I
could do this for B and N. That when I found out it failed something
kicked in and I knew it was now that I needed to do it.
It seems as though there are all these little things pointing me to
being their surro. Why had Jean opened up to me about how she felt and
was so involved with B and N's journey now? Her call at that moment. So
many little things and then the next day Jean text me this:
Don't know how you're feeling but B sent me this, "If u know anyone who wants to be a surro let me know."
I feel all the good emotions again. B is searching and I am right here. I
have to be sure though. I can't just go off of these feelings. I need
to do some digging. I need more facts.It is all so surreal, almost like a movie or book, not a possible reality.
Jamie is a DI junkie. She loves going to the DI and looking for
furniture, frames, lamps and mirrors that she can one day re-do. She has
a collection of old, unfinished furniture in her garage and basement. I
believe she has started on two pieces but hasn't quite finished them. I
would guess she has close to 20 not touched yet. Jamie is good at
haggling the DI people and always gets a good deal, I love going with
her.
Lately we have been running errands together when we can. While we were
out we stopped at a couple DI's. So we get inside and for some reason
right there I blurt out "Have you ever just had a feeling you should do
something and it seems crazy but you can't deny that you feel it?" She
begs, "What is it". "It is so hard to explain but I don't know if I have
ever felt something pushing me to do something so strongly in my life,
ever. I think I am supposed to have B's baby." Jamie looks at me and
says "I am shocked... ... ... it is odd to say but you are right, it
feels right but I am shocked!" We talk, and I get all emotional about it
standing in the middle of the DI. I can honestly say this was one of
the most spiritual experiences I have ever had, in the DI. Once again my
feelings are verified to me that this is right. Jamie tells me she is
getting goose bumps. She can feel it too. Half of what she is saying
about her thoughts and feelings are things I have already thought and
said. She gets it. Is this real?
In the end we leave the DI with a settee for me, a hutch and two lamps
for her piled in the back of my truck. As we drive down the freeway I
look in the mirror and watch the lamp shade blowing and think to myself
"Oh my gosh, this is really going to happen. I am going to try and be a
babymama!"
The answers to my concerns
It was
such a relief to hear from my own Dr that he didn't feel there were any
significant extra risks and that he cared. AND now I don't have to wait
a month, get a sitter or pay a copay to ask a few questions!
Later when I talk to Jean she also tells me that he asked her if I was
religious. She tells him I am and that is half the reason I am
considering being a surro for B and N is because of the feelings I have
had. He tells her that he feels that those feelings are very important
too when making a decision like this. It is so comforting to know I am
not alone on this in more ways than one.
And now, as I am sitting here on Katie's bed typing, I wonder to myself
"Really, am I really going to do this?" Letting the logic creep in. I
look over at her mirror.
Written on it is ... Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid. John 14:27
I am scared
I called the fertility clinic today that B and N use. Jean questioned B's
little sister enough to find out what clinic it was for me. I told them
that I wanted to remain anonymous and that I had questions. I spent
about 20 minutes on the phone with them asking every question I could
think of. Basically more of the same answers. The risks are the same as a
normal pregnancy. There are no more added risks of a gestational
surrogate pregnancy. I will be on just a few meds to help build my
uterine wall and regulate my cycles to coincide with the procedure.
I was under the impression that most surrogates were finished with their
own families. The lady I was talking with actually informed me that
many of their surrogates are young moms who are trying to supplement
their incomes and go on to have more children of their own.
I know reading these posts it looks like my mind is made up already. I
know that it seems like I am just going off of these extremely strong
feelings I have and I am not turning back, but that is not the case.
Am I really going to be able to handle carrying a littleone, feel it
move, help it grow, give birth to it and just hand it over? I think I
will be able to, knowing it is not mine but B's from the beginning. Plus
I will be able to see the babe when I want. It will be like I am its
auntie. Am I being naive?
I am scared. Nervous. Question myself everyday. Though these posts are
just days apart, in real life this has been going on for about 4 weeks. I
just didn't know when I was ready to post all this. I have prayed and
prayed and gone to the temple. I have tried to think of all
possibilities. Imagine all the bad moments that could happen. I feel
like I have tried or am trying to go about every avenue I can to get a
real, logical perspective of this situation.
In fact its all the logical that scares me. The logic part creeps in
sometimes, especially when I haven't discussed or written about it for a
few days. That is when I start to question. Yes everything should go
fine. There should be no complications, but, there is always that but.
Something could go wrong. If it were the worst case scenarios I would be
devastated. I don't know what I would do. Is it worth that small risk?
The second I call one of my sisters or talk to Hubbs or write about my
concerns and what I am feeling, that all goes away. I am taken back to
the feelings and knowledge that it is good, it is right. Still there is a
decision I have to make. I need to try and mix the logic with the
spirit. How do you do that?
Thoughts on being a babymama now that the waters have been tested
More of the same thoughts and feelings. Except maybe stronger? The more I
talk about it with my family and Hubbs the more I feel it is right.
When I don't talk with someone about it for a few days the logic part
and this is so crazy part creeps in. I start to get scared, nervous and
question myself.
The second I start talking about it again the good feelings about it hit me ten fold. How can I deny those feelings?
Also when I think of being a babymama for B all I can think about is the
complete JOY I am going to be able to give the Sweets. I can't wait for
B to experience being a mommy to a little baby. To help fill that hole
in her heart. I can not even imagine what it would be like to not be
able to have littleones. To not know if a baby was ever in my future.
When Hubbs and I were trying for our second it felt like an eternity to
me. I wanted a littleone sooo bad it literally hurt. I wrote this
journal entry
I hate that I have longer cycles. It seems so
unfair that in the time someone gets 2 chances I have one. Hubbs is so
supportive and I can tell he feels bad too. Last night as we drove home
from dinner with our BFF's who announced they were pregnant he just let me sit in silence and then he held me while I cried
in bed that night. He also just let me cry and vent over the phone
when I called to tell him another friend just informed me she was
pregnant. He said he'd been thinking of me all day. I know I am
blessed to have TheBigGuy and such a loving husband, but still, I ache.
It
seemed so terrible to me. I look back now and remember how I felt and
think of how blessed I am that I CAN have littleones. Knowing that B
must be feeling the way I felt, times a million, makes me so sad for
her. I want her to be a mommy so bad.
Things that have been brought to my attention or that I have thought
about that are reasons to not be a surro are: the morning sickness, the
medication, the aches and pains of pregnancy, actual labor pain, not
nursing after and having to wrap my boobs, the 4-6 week healing process
which also equals no sex. All for someone else. But these seem so trite
in terms of the gift I could give B and N. I don't even see them as a
reason not to do this for them. Its so minimal compared to the outcome.
Katie's concern is that it would be too hard to give up the babe. To
carry it, feel it move and give birth to it and then say goodbye so the
baby can go home with its mommy and daddy. I don't know, and maybe I am
naive, but I don't think it will be that hard. My thinking is that the
baby is not mine, I am just its home for a little while until its real
mama can care for it. Going into it knowing that its not my baby, its
B's baby seems like it wont be so bad in the end. It will be amazing to
see her with that baby knowing I was able to give that to her.
It does however make me nervous of how people may judge me or think I am
crazy. I deep down don't really care what anyone thinks besides my
immediate family, especially my parents, but it will be hard to deal
with.
My main concerns lie with the physical risks. Those risks are like in
any pregnancy, putting my life at risk and my fertility at risk. I think
the only way to get over these fears is to go on my faith and what I
feel is right. No one can give me an answer that problems wont arise,
even these two big ones. But I can go off of the fact that I feel its
right. I have faith that it will work out.
Hubbs thoughts
Hubbs is a good man. He always wants to make me happy. For the most part
he lets me get away with a lot of stuff (minor) because he loves me. I
know I can be difficult, stubborn and I want my way. I knew with this
situation it would be tricky. Not tricky like I need to trick him but
tricky cause I feel so strongly but I am not about to make a decision
like this without Hubbs behind me 100%. I can't do it without his love
and support. If he were to say no, I would have to also.
Hubbs makes me laugh because he is the type of person to just say it how
it is, he doesn't sugar coat things. Lots of times he just says what
everyone else is thinking but wont say. Many times its just to me
because he doesn't want to offend others but every once in a while he
just says it.
For example some of his concerns over me being B and N's surro are "that
will be weird to have sex knowing that isn't our child in there" and "I
don't know if I will be compassionate enough towards you through the
pregnancy because its not ours and you would be doing it to yourself". I
see his points and am so glad he is the type of person to say these
things instead of just think them.
I let him know I understand this and of course I will talk to him about
the pregnancy and of course I will tell him the first time the baby
moves and how much it weighs and what fruit size it is now. But he wont
be the first person I turn to. B will be the first person I would text. B
will be the one I would hope could be there at each appointment with
me.
After numerous discussions about lots of ups and downs Hubbs has given
me the go ahead to make MY decision on the matter. I love him so much
and I am so grateful that he trusts me and loves me enough to do
something like this because I FEEL like I should.
What an amazing Husband.
Decision has been made
Obviously if you couldn't read between the lines throughout my previous
posts I think I made my decision quite a while ago. I want to do this. I
want to be B and N's surrogate. All the risks and ups and downs are
going to be completely worth it. If I don't take this chance and follow
my feelings I will regret it for the rest of my life. I don't want to
live with that. And I actually really want to do this. I am so excited
to begin the process, to tell B!
I have one last thing I want to do before I tell her. I need to talk
with my parents. I have been imagining the worst so hopefully it can
only be what I think or better. Wish me Luck.
