Jean's Call

Jean calls, it is the first time we have really talked since we found out B and N's 3rd try failed. She proceeds to tell me how she feels so bad for B and wishes she could do it for her but the timing in her life is just all wrong. She was talking with the girls at work telling them how she just knows that somehow through HER B is going to have her baby. She is thinking maybe someone at work. She just knows she has the answer.

In this moment my heart is once again pounding. I can feel the spirit so strong. I knew I was going to tell Jean soon but not over the phone. But I can't help it, I am so overwhelmed with what I feel. Of course I broke down and did. "Its me, its me" that is all I could say through my tears. These feelings are so powerful and I feel like they over take me when I talk about it. Jean sat in silence and listened to me. Then she told me how she felt it too as I told her about it. Jean knew she had the answer but couldn't put her finger on it. This could be it. It feels good. She thinks its supposed to be me. It is no coincidence that B and I are SO similar. This just seems right.

Jean came over that night and we talked about everything for a long time. Since she is a L&D nurse and B's sister-in-law I asked her as many questions I could think of.  What are the risks? What meds will I have to take? How long will I have to take the meds? How long before I could do it for her since LittleDarlin is only 3 months? How long after will I need to wait to have another littleone of my own? What is B planning on doing? Using the same surro as before? When are they going to try again? How long do I have to make my decision?

I sat and told her all about the feelings I have had for years that I could do this for B and N. That when I found out it failed something kicked in and I knew it was now that I needed to do it.

It seems as though there are all these little things pointing me to being their surro. Why had Jean opened up to me about how she felt and was so involved with B and N's journey now? Her call at that moment. So many little things and then the next day Jean text me this:

Don't know how you're feeling but B sent me this, "If u know anyone who wants to be a surro let me know."

I feel all the good emotions again. B is searching and I am right here. I have to be sure though. I can't just go off of these feelings. I need to do some digging. I need more facts.

It is all so surreal, almost like a movie or book, not a possible reality.