30 week update

We are getting so close to the end! 75% cooked! I can't believe we are 30 weeks already. Baby Sweet is getting huge and I am getting very uncomfortable. It is hard to put my shoes on, walk up stairs, hold my one year old, sleep, I have to pee all the time, smells are making me sick again, I have to squat to bend over, my neck and back are hurting, etc. BUT that is what comes with the 3rd trimester, right? Other then all these typical complaints things are still going great. Our appointments are eventful less, I passed my glucose screening test and was even told I am doing great on my weight gain! YAY Also this little one LOVES to move. My babies never moved this much. I remember often calling Jean asking her if I should go in and get checked cause I hadn't felt my little ones move very much. She always had me drink some juice, lay on my side and do kick counts. That is not a problem with this babe.

Also I am still feeling like I am emotionally able and ready to have this little one and give him to his mommy and daddy. I know A LOT of people close to me are worried about how hard it may be to have him and not have a baby to take home with me. I feel like I am prepared and continue to prepare for this day. I love this little guy, but not like my own babes. I know he doesn't belong to me and has a family who is ever so anxiously awaiting his arrival. He is loved by so many people in different ways. I am so excited for B and N to meet him and hold him for the first time.

I wanted to share my gratitude for the outpouring love and support I have had from so many people. It is crazy how some people just don't get it, some people don't care and then there are the others who make me feel so amazing. It is very humbling to hear my great grandmother tell people over and over what an amazing and selfless person I am, women in my neighborhood hugging me and whispering kind words, B's families thank you's and generosity, complete strangers when they find out because they have asked so many questions about my pregnancy and how close all my little ones will be telling me that they are getting goose bumps/chills and admire me and of course my own family who constantly love/support/and put up with pregnant me!

I am truly blessed in my life and even more so by being apart of this miracle!

(December 27)

B's baby shower

Jean and B's family put on the cutest Sweets Baby Shower!  We had such a great time and B got a lot of great gifts and things she needs for her baby boy. I made her the softest little cuddle blanket and Jean made her the cutest blanket I ever saw!
At the end of the shower they surprised me with a gift; a platter (I love dishes), a matching sock monkey to one B got, book, cd, tons of gift cards, pedicure, prenatal massage and sweet cards. I couldn't help cry and be ever so grateful for their generosity. This whole experience has been an amazing gift in itself and I feel so blessed to surrounded by such loving people as this little miracle is brought into the world!

(November 17)

A new wardrobe

B took me shopping today before our appointment for maternity clothes! It was lots of fun getting new clothes and being spoiled. While we were there I made B try on the belly, she looked pretty cute pregnant :)

B was finally able to feel and see her little one move too! During our Dr. appointment when they were trying to find his heartbeat (he is a stubborn one) he kicked the monitor a couple of times pretty hard. You could see it bounce right off my tummy. It was such a tender moment to see B see that for the first time.

I am so glad to be going through this with such an amazing person, friend and example!

(November 16)

Halloween

My parents have a Halloween party every year the Sunday before Halloween for the grandkids. We dress up, carve pumpkins, play games, eat and have a great time.  This year Jean's father-in-law and wife (which also happens to be B's dad) was in town for the weekend so my parents invited them all to our party.  Of course B and I were twinners in our Halloween shirts and had a blast all hanging out.

 (October 28)

20 weeks

We had our 20 week ultrasound and appointment! Everything with baby Sweet is looking good and healthy, yay! He is still a boy and oh my goodness does he have long limbs like his daddy :) Definitely not something I have seen in my uterus before. Hubbs is 5 5" and I am 5 4".

It was crazy to see how much he has grown (on an ultrasound) in just a few weeks. He is getting so big.

I had this shirt made for B and gave it to her when she picked me up for the appointment. She tried it on immediately and is going to wear it on Halloween :)

Also here is a 20 week pic of the belly.

 (October 22)

Checkin in

B texts me or calls at least 2 times a week to see how things are. Up until this point I always tell her that I am totally fine and things are great. For the most part its all true. However I know how much she wants to be involved and know everything so without trying to sound like I am complaining I text her this

feeling good still. starting to notice the belly: when I sit it gets in the way, climbing the stairs by 2 is no longer possible and is starting to make me breathless, we are starting to enter the stage where things start to get a bit harder :) its going to go even faster with the holidays coming!

She replied at how awesome I am doing and she is glad its been easy for me. Later in the week she asked how I was and if he was moving much

good! I was going to text you and tell you today that exact thing :) he is moving a ton and I am starting to get braxton hicks contractions. Nothing to worry about, just my body preparing. Totally normal to them this early, especially this being my 4th pregnancy :)

It's fun doing this blog and feeling some sort of obligation to text and talk to someone about the progression of this pregnancy. Also actually having to write down what is going on and how my body feels etc. I can go back through texts and see it all. I don't think I have ever documented any of my pregnancies like this but always wish I had. Even though this is my fourth pregnancy (crazy to think about that fact....) I still have questions. Is that normal, did this happen last time, when did this start with my other ones? Anyways this is fun for me to actually do, another perk to this adventure!

(October 17)

Can you hear in there?

 Something my mom and B thought of that I thought was a pretty good idea is for B and N to record conversations for the babe to listen to. B got me a set of headphones and has been sending conversations that I can play for her little one. I usually play them for him at night when I am sitting in bed, he really seems to enjoy it!

(October 10)

18 week belly pic

I have started sending B weekly belly pics, when I remember :) This little one is sure growing! Everything is looking good and its so fun to have B go with me to all the Dr appointments. Time seems to be flying, he will be here before we know it!

B text me

Oh my goodness!!! You look ADORABLE!!! :) :) my little guy is growin!!! Thanks!

(October 5)

Hey, I want that

O my goodness! There is such cute baby stuff out there. B, Jean, Katie, Kenzie (my sister-in-law) and I just got done registering for little baby Sweet. Seriously, I can't believe all the cute and matching stuff they have. Just 5 years ago when I was registering there were not so many options. I am so jealous!
We had such a great time though. It stinks that N works out of town alot but it also means I get to participate in so much more fun stuff with B!
All I can say is this little Boy is going to be one spoiled baby!

(September 29)

Psych Evaluation

Another item our state law requires us to do in order to have baby here is for all of us, B, N, Hubbs and I all had to have a Psychological Evaluation. At the beginning the counselor seemed quite skeptical. She normally meets with adoptive parents or girls who are giving up their babies for adoption. She kept telling us that she would talk with us and then advise on what extra treatment/sessions we would all need.
We all sat and talked comfortably as she asked questions. Almost everything she inquired about B and I or all of us had discussed. Everything was pretty clear. I am pretty sure we had the her crying quite a few times discussing while we discussed our reasonings for wanting to do this and how it all came about.
In the end it was really good to sit and talk, all 4 of us, and go over it all again. Being reminded of this little miracle we all created and helping to come into the world. The counselor said she felt that we were all very aware of what was going on and had it all figured out the best she thought we could and didn't recommend any extra treatment.
I know that through words I can't express how it all feels and what we are all going through, all I can say is it is so surreal, feels so right and I just feel honored to be apart of it. I am so grateful for the many small blessings I have had so far and how easy this pregnancy has been. I just pray everything continues to go so well. 

(September 8)

Oops, is that what I think I saw?

N was leaving to go work out of town soon so we decided to go visit Jean at work and see the little babe on the ultrasound before he left. We were only 14 weeks along so we didn't expect to find out the gender of this little one but we thought we did!

So to confirm it B set up an early elective ultrasound at a professional clinic. B, her step daughter, her mom, her step dad, her sister and her friend all met me there and we confirmed that this little miracle is a BOY!!!

Everyone is thrilled even though most of us thought for sure it was a girl (including me). B and N are so extremely excited to be having a boy. It is so fun cause now we can call him a HIM and start buying fun stuff! YAY for little boys.

 (September 14)

Legal Front

As I mentioned earlier we weren't sure whether or not we were going to be able to have the baby in our state easily. We have even been considering the fact that it may be easier legally to have the baby in the state we did the transfer. B and N have been doing everything they can to make it legal here. In most surrogacy cases in our state before the transfer is even performed you have to have medical evaluations, psychological evaluations, home studies (sometimes they are waived), contracts and it all has to go before a judge and in the end it is up to the judge to decide if the transfer can be done. You then get a pre-birth order that says the baby was conceived via surrogacy and the IP's (Intended Parents) are the rightful parents of the baby.

Now don't quote me on all this. I don't know a ton or details. I am learning though as we go through the process and also through a surrogate facebook group I have joined.

In our case we are trying to go through all these steps a bit backwards and in the end hope the judge will approve our case and let us get a pre-birth order. If he doesn't and we deliver here the baby will be born as mine and N's. Then B will have to adopt her own baby as its step mother from me. Or we can have it in the other state.

So we are working on advising our contract to be legal here in our state, B and N did their home study (and passed) to show how serious they are instead of trying to get it waived, we will be having a group counseling session and then it will all go before a judge and he/she will decide what we do next.  

We have also had to check our insurances and make sure that where we deliver my insurance will cover my doctor and hospital and that the Sweet's insurance will cover the baby at the hospital. Lucky for us my doctor and hospital that I like is covered by both of our insurances, yay!

This is all so new and crazy to me what people have to go through to be parents but it is all also very amazing that I am able to help a family grow.

(September 5)

that felt like a baby

Alright, I know some people will never believe that you can feel a littleone this early but I am pretty sure I felt this little one move a couple times in the last few days.  After the third time in a few days I knew for sure it was the baby and had to tell B and N.  It was so fun and exciting to let B and N know.  I can't wait until they can feel him/her too! This is one of things B had to miss out on during pregnancy that I feel so bad for. I can't imagine how it must feel to not get to experience some of the wonderful things that do come with pregnancy. We will just have to make sure she feels the babe alot when you can feel from the outside ;)

(August 29)

met the besties

B took me to lunch today so I could meet her two best friends she has had forever. It was so great just talking with them and getting to know them. I also LOVED to see how excited they were also for B. It made all this seem even more real talking with people who have also gone through this long struggle with B, whom probably have heard more about it then anyone.

I am apart of a surrogate FB group and it has been awesome hearing their experiences and getting advice from them and learning so much more about this new world that is out there I had never even thought about.

One thing I have learned from them is how GRATEFUL I am to be doing this for someone I love and is my friend, like family. It is great to be able to have that relationship with B and N and able to be so much apart of their lives, and them mine, now and I know after the baby comes.

(August 22)

Wait, I am pregnant?

One thing that I was so curious about before I began this adventure was if I would truly feel like I "thought" I would feel towards this baby and pregnancy. I know I have thought about it a ton and have obviously been asked about it a lot.

So here goes. As heartless and rude as it may sound, I don't feel attached AT ALL. There is absolutely no emotional connection to this sweet miracle growing inside me. I honestly FORGET that I am even pregnant, often. This is so awkward to say and feel. What kind of person can just not feel attached to a little baby growing in her belly? ME. And I am so extremely GRATEFUL.

That was one of my biggest worries and fears is that it wouldn't feel how I "thought" it would, but it does. Don't get me wrong, I care for this little one, a ton. I can't wait for him/her to get here and see it. I also can't wait to give him/her to his/her mommy and daddy. I am so overjoyed and excited for them to be parents. And that is exactly how this feels. I FEEL like B is the one who is pregnant. I feel like I am just an excited auntie.

With my own little ones I couldn't stop looking and posting online about how much the baby was growing, what size fruit it is this week, what we are going to name it, buy for it, etc. This time around I don't think of it at all. I do get weekly updates on my phone and from B :) about how much the babe is growing etc. but I don't "care" like I did with my own.

Hubbs and my family also don't feel as excited as if it were my own. We don't talk about it like we do when one of us is expecting. Hubbs honestly forgets ALL the time that I am pregnant. Don't worry, I remind him when there is lifting to be done or I am really thirsty :)

At first I was scared to tell B this. I didn't want her to think I am heartless, that her baby wasn't being loved. But of course she didn't care at all. In fact she said that it is relieving to her and N. They were too worried that I may get attached and that this would be a huge struggle for me. And she of course knows this little one is loved, by its parents. B and N are thinking about this little one every second of the day, so excited, preparing a nursery, thinking of names, checking its growth and fruit size multiple times a day.

I can only say that I am feeling this way by the grace of our Heavenly Father. He knows me and is helping me through this because its meant to be. I know there is some sort of block being put in my heart and mind helping me to not feel these natural maternal feelings. I also feel like it is such a blessing that coming out of our first trimester and entering our second that I have had a relatively symptom FREE pregnancy.

Now onto the second trimester and normal OB appointments!

(August 20)

bloat

Um this bloat is crazy! It only looks like this at night but seriously we are only 11 weeks.

B was so excited to see this picture though and told me how much more real it made all of this for her and N.  She also thinks its cute, me I am not so sure about the cute part.

(August 15)

Goodbye Shots!!!

Since everything looked so great at our second ultrasound and the Sweets little one is growing good I get to stop all my meds, except my prenatal of course! So excited, no more shots in my bum and not more suppositories! Definitely wont be missing these.

Here is a pic of my over FULL sharps container. They forgot to send me a new one the last time they sent my meds.

(August 7)

2nd ultrasound

Infertility does have its perks, ultrasounds! Most women get one ultrasound their whole pregnancy around 20 weeks. At 9 weeks we got another one just to make sure the babe was growing how it should. This time N was able to be there and T (N's 13 year old, B's step daughter).

It is so crazy how much the babe changed and grew in just two short weeks. Once again it was so amazing to see this little miracle up there. B, N, T and B's mom were taking pics and video of the little one like crazy. It was so fun. You can even see little arm and leg buds forming!




(August 6)

symptoms

I am feeling very fortunate to not have too many pregnancy related symptoms this time around. This has definitely been my "best" pregnancy yet! By this point in all three of my other pregnancies I was feeling sick all day, HAD to eat every hour or so, couldn't function without a nap and really hormonal.

As of now, about 9 weeks along, I feel nauseous a few times a day which is easily handled with a little food and of course I have that exhausted feeling but I don't need a nap. The worst of it is I am at the beginning of that just feeling and looking super chubby phase. I can't wait to get past that and into the cute pregnant stage.

We will be having our second ultrasound in a few days and I can't wait because after that I get to finally stop all my meds and shots. YAY! My butt is quite sore now and its hard to find a place to poke the needle that isn't a bunch of built up scar tissue. Also Hubbs, who gives me my shots, fell and broke his wrist so I have to assist holding the place to insert the shots while he gives them. Not fun.

(August 3)

Baby are you there?

We got to go have our first ultrasound this afternoon and it was such an emotional and amazing experience!  B was beyond excited too, she was counting down the hours. This is the point where if everything looks good you can breath a bit easier. You will know there is a baby/babies in there and hopefully see a heartbeat.

When I arrived to the local clinic that was doing our ultrasounds B's sister, mom, step dad and B were there. Unfortunately N is out of town. I was so excited to give B a little yellow musical giraffe I had found for the babe. She loved it and it is her very first baby item :)

So we all piled into the room, by the way is so nice with a big screen tv on the wall for them to watch and one on the ceiling for me, and hoped to get some really good news. B stood on one side of me and her mom on the other. Man I love these people. I knew what to look for and expect but B did not. I couldn't help but smile and smile as I saw that little bean up there on the screen. I also was able to see the little flicker of a heartbeat right away which came as relief to me. I haven't had ANY pregnancy symptoms except tiredness. Usually by 7 weeks I am nauseous and my boobs kill.

The absolute BEST moment though was when the Dr let us hear the little ones heartbeat. It was so so so amazing. I had so many emotions running through me at once. Gratitude that this little miracle was there. So extremely happy for the Sweets and their whole family. Love for them. So excited. Humbled to be apart of this moment. I had tears streaming down my face as I looked around and saw everyone else in the room did too. It was such a tender moment. Moments like this don't come often and it reminds me that there is a loving Heavenly Father who is helping all this happen and is aware of our lives.  B mentioned that she had never heard a baby's heartbeat before. It was such a great experience.

Seriously I just felt complete JOY! It also felt so surreal. I was not sad in any way that this little one isn't mine. I was just so happy for THEM.

As we said goodbye B gave me the sweetest card and her family gave me a gorgeous bouquet of flowers. B's mom also gave me a letter. The letter talked of how this trial of B's has been hard on all of them and as her mom how it has been painful knowing what struggles B has had to face to be a mom. I honestly had never thought about what a miracle this little one will be to their whole family, not just B and N. I am so grateful for her sharing her story with me about B. I am also just so excited that it is really happening and I am helping to do this for them.

Well with that here is baby Sweets debut and first pic

(July 20)

First Craving

The Sweets baby gave me my first craving today. Martinelli's Sparkling Apple Juice. MMMMMM it is good. I text B and told her she had to go get some too, she already had some on hand :)
Funny thing is, B has been craving avocados. I totally believe its true cause I know Hubbs got cravings all the time when I was pregnant with our little ones :)

(July 4)

2nd beta

Once again I couldn't find a sitter and had to drag my 3 chitals along with me to my blood draw. Once again they were so good. Things (besides my stinkin' med mistake) have gone so smoothly with this process I can't help but feel that it is meant "2 B"!

The wait seemed even longer today. B text me and asked if I felt pregnant, haha. We were hoping for a 42 or higher beta. I felt like I KNEW we were pregnant but I didn't want to get my hopes too high. How many times have people had a good first beta and then it not double? Chemical pregnancy?

So when they called and said the second beta was a 48 I was so relieved!!!

WE ARE PREGNANT!!!

B and I talked and she is beyond thrilled and couldn't wait to skype N (he is out of town). She also decided she was going to send out a text like this

We are.....

 to her family. I can't wait to hear their reactions.

When we got off the phone she text me with

Oh my goodness!! I can't believe it!! I think I'm still in shock!! I really thought it wasn't going to happen! Holy Cow!! Im scared, nervous and excited! Probably how most 1st timers feel right?!:) Thank You so so so much!

I am just over the moon that it seems to all be working out and the Sweets are going to have a baby around March 7th!

(June 29)

I must be pregnant

 I woke up this morning even more sure I am pregnant! I had a dream that Hubbs was cheating on me! Whenever I am pregnant I have these dreams, at least 3 times a week. I also took a clearblue digital test that was "not pregnant" yesterday. This morning though those sweet words "pregnant" appeared! I text B right away. She text me

Whahoo Wahoo Wahoo Yippee! :) :) :) are you excited!!! YOU are making the impossible possible!!!

It is so great knowing that I truly may be helping her dreams come true! Hopefully this means our beta levels are rising. Tomorrow can't come fast enough. I am so excited for her to be able to tell her family!

I also text Hubbs and told him about the dreams, he knew right away I was pregnant too :)

 (June 28)

First beta in

 Our first beta number is in...... 21!!! We are so excited. B called to tell me and we were both so excited. I know on my end of the phone I had tears in my eyes.  B ended the call telling me "I love you, I love you, I love you!" I am so happy for her and that I may be able to give her the thing that has brought me the most joy and happiness in my life!

With B's other surro the only beta they ever got was a 1, then it went to 0. So this is such great news.

But we have to wait until Fridays beta to be sure (the beta number has to at least double). For now though there is hope!

(June 27)

First Beta

I couldn't help it, I have been taking pregnancy tests since day 2 being home. Other than being super crampy (which could also be caused from the meds) I have been wanting lots of cereal. I always want lots of cereal when I am pregnant. Of course its so early its probably all in my head.

Well yesterday morning at 5 days past transfer (it was a 5 day embryo so basically 10dpo) I swear I had a SUPER faint positive. I tried again 6dpt (days past transfer) and again I think it was super faint. I also went in today to have my blood drawn to get my betas. We are hoping for numbers anywhere between a 5 and 20.

I didn't have a sitter this morning so I had to take the chitals with me for the blood draw. I begged them to be good and quiet. I felt SO bad taking my 3 kids, one being a 7 month old baby, into a fertility clinic. Most people in there are trying to have little ones and here I am with 3...

They were so good though and TheBigGuy was so concerned if the needle hurt me, cute huh?

Now we have to wait until this afternoon to find out what our beta number is, fingers crossed...

(June 27)

No turning back now

The Transfer!!!

B, Jean and I had such a great time! The road trip flew by. We laughed and talked for 3 days straight. Sitting by the pool, eating out and SLEEPING all night long WITHOUT being woken up by any of my children were some of the highlights :) It was so funny because more than a few times B and I would say the exact same thing at the same time or finish each others sentences. It truly is crazy how alike we are.

The transfer went so well. I had no idea what to expect so for any of you curious what exactly goes on in the IVF/transfer process I will tell you. We arrived at the Dr's office and waited. Then we were called back to our room and I was given valum. Pretty sure I never felt any different but I wasn't really nervous any way. I had to have a full bladder and it was full! I wanted to use the restroom so bad. B then signed a paper stating that they were implanting one embryo that was graded at  B2. The embryo was also a 5 day transfer. When the transfer time came the nurse was using the ultrasound on  my stomach while the Dr. inserted the cathader. Then the embryolagist brought in the embryo and announced that he was inserting one embryo of B's into me and asked if that was correct. The embryo was in a syringe that they inserted and pushed into the cathader. The embryo is actually in a water droplet that we got to see float down into my uterus. It was all very quick and painless.

For the next hour we sat there with my hips and legs propped up. After that I was on bedrest for the next 24 hours. B and Jean waited on me while we sat in our hotel and watched movies and ate treats. We did go to the store at one point and I rode around in the motorized carts. It was quite embarrassing and funny. Let's just say those people that use them frequently have got some skills.

Also throughout the whole trip we kept getting "signs" that it is meant to be (I know we are so silly) But honestly we kept happening to park in lot B on the 2nd floor and one time our spot really said 2B. And the biggest one of all the embryo was a B2. I just pray all goes well and hope that if it doesn't that we can all have hope that it will work out sometime.

On our way home the next day I was so exhausted and just know its cause my body is trying to grow a baby! So now we get to wait a week and a half for our first beta, but I am pretty sure I wont be able to wait that long and will do a home pregnancy test. I am a test-a-holic :)

(June 21)

The time has come!!!

Tomorrow we are off on a little road trip for our TRANSFER!!! It came so fast, even with my mistake and us having to wait an extra month. I am so ecstatic. I feel like I have been doing pretty well with the meds. My bum is just sore from all the shots.

Tonight as I was spending some time with my chitals and Hubbs we looked through some photo books. I started to get a bit sad looking at each of their births and the weeks after they were born. It is going to be sad to not have a little babe to snuggle all day after this is through. Its going to be hard. Worth it, but hard. I realized again how grateful I am that we are doing this NOW and that once the Sweets have their baby in their arms Hubbs and I will be trying for another little one for our family. I know I am going to be cravin' me a baby. My own baby. For now though I am determined to put those thoughts aside and focus on B and N's baby and how amazing this is all going to be!

I kissed my little ones goodnight and told them to be extra good for my family who will be taking care of them while I am away. Hubbs and I spent some extra time together and he gave me a blessing. It feels so good to feel the spirit and know that with whatever trials lay before us I KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that I am doing this because my Heavenly Father has prompted me to. My heart and mind are in the right place. I am so grateful for my Father in Heaven, Hubbs and my supportive family to help me do all this.

Well wish us luck and lots of sticky dust! The transfer will take place in two days and then I will be taking it super careful for a little while. Hopefully we will see a positive pregnancy test in the next week or so!

(June 19th)

Getting Close!

Time is going so fast! I have been super busy with my baby brother's wedding. He got married this last weekend and I am so excited to officially have his wife apart of our family. With all that these weeks have flown.

I went in for my second lining check (the point at which we had to start over last time) and everything looks great! My lining thickness was at 8.6 and all the blood work came back good. I have a new med schedule, adding in more meds, including that progesterone in oil shot I had been wrongly taking the first time. That shot will be EVERYDAY and let me tell you its the worst of them all. It is what they call a "peanut butter" shot because it is SO thick. It takes hubbs quite a while to inject that one and it kind of burns as it goes in. We rotate butt cheek sides so I am not too sore. On Tuesdays and Fridays I have two shots and then my butt is really sore the next day. Other then that I have no complaints.

We have a transfer date and will be leaving for the clinic in a week and a few days!  Can't wait and I am praying that the transfer takes!

(June 12)

spreading the news

So lately when the time seems right I have been telling some family and friends. To be honest I wish I could say that it has all been a 100% supportive and understanding but I can't. No one has come out and been straight forward rude or told me not to do it but people have a funny way of expressing their concerns. Really it is what I expected and I don't think everyone should or will understand fully why I am doing this and that's ok. It is hard for me because my whole life I feel that I have tried to live in a way to not disappoint anyone even if it meant not always choosing things my way.

With this its different. I can't do what I know is right and follow what our Heavenly Father has in store for me if I care too much what other people's opinions are. So I am going to just move on forward and hope for the best. Hopefully those who don't agree with it will in time realize that it's not a bad thing and the gift I am giving the Sweets outweighs anything that they may be concerned with.

AND I do have to say that more so then not my friends and family HAVE been so supportive and excited! Most of them are so interested and want to know about it. It is so great to tell people about it and feel the spirit so strongly again and again reminding me why I decided to do this in the first place. Most of all I am extremely grateful for my hubbs and immediate family who have been nothing but excited, supportive and loving for me and the Sweets!

I can hardly wait for the next steps in this new and crazy adventure!

(June 8)

Mean people Suck

Sorry for being gone so long!

I haven't known what to do or feel for the past month. I wrote a little post on my personal family blog about my decision to try and be the Sweets Baby Mama. Basically the post said that I had numerous spiritual experiences that has led me to the exciting decision to be their surrogate. I just wanted to let family and friends know that this was going to probably happen so when I announced I was pregnant and it wasn't hubbs they would know what was up :)

Well I got this anonymous comment

To say the least, it upset me. I felt Hurt. Angry. Shocked. Scared. Confused.

I think if I were to have gotten this comment on this blog it would of hurt but I would of accepted it more. BUT this came from my own personal family blog, so this anonymous person is someone I KNOW. Not only are they questioning and attacking my decision to do this but my spiritual experiences. I feel like they questioned who I am.

Besides this comment I have also gotten some "negative" feedback from some family and friends about this whole situation. All of that together totally discouraged me, not from being B and N's gestational carrier, but from sharing my experience.

I expected people to not understand, think its crazy and make comments like "I could never do that..." BUT I NEVER expected to feel like people think I am doing something WRONG or that I am a BAD person for doing this. That is the feeling I have gotten from a few.

I know, I know. I shouldn't care what other people think and if they think that way towards me then they aren't worth it, but I will be honest, I am sensitive. I live my life to please others. I can't stand disappointing people. I think being injected with all these hormones nightly doesn't help it much either :)

Well because of these few bad experiences I closed down, shut off wanting to talk to anyone about what was going on. I am afraid of how people may react or what they may say. I don't know what to expect anymore. It scares me.

After a month of stewing and trying to deal with it all, and get over it, I have realized that I have to move on. There are a few people out there, even some I know and love, who will never get it. They are going to be rude and say hurtful things. But I am not changing my decision and my immediate family all love and support me. B and N's family all love and support me.

Looking past the few people who aren't for it is an army of people who love me no matter what and realize what an amazing miracle is happening here (like my sweet friend who commented above the meanie).

So I am ready to move on for now and will be updating rapidly as so much has happened in this crazy adventure so far.

Thanks to you all who are out there supporting me, even if I DON'T know you. It means so much more then you will ever know.

Starting again

 I am excited to say we are finally back to starting again! My period finally came and I was put on birth control for a few weeks. I took my last pill Friday night, period came again Sunday and I will be starting the correct meds tomorrow!  I will also be going in for a lining ultrasound check and blood work. I am looking forward to moving on in this journey!


It has also come time that I feel appropriate to tell my family (outside my immediate family) that I am considering being a surrogate. I don't want them to find out AFTER I am pregnant that this is an option. It feels great to talk about it with them and share my experiences. When I tell them it reminds me why I am doing this and how it does feel right. I get anxious still sometimes when I think about it and the possibilities of complications but I try and grab onto that faith I have that no matter what happens I know I did what the lord has planned for me and the Sweets.

No one knows that we are starting the process right now because B wants to keep it a secret. I don't blame her. After trying 3 times and it failing she just doesn't want to have to deal with that hurt and anguish again if it fails. She doesn't want to have a million phone calls, texts, emails, fb asking if it worked and then having to tell everyone it didn't. I am sure its painful enough for her to have to deal with it not working let alone telling and retelling everyone for weeks.

B also made a great point, this way she gets to SURPRISE everyone that she is having a baby if it works, just like everyone else who doesn't have to go through this process. I hate keeping secrets but I get where she is coming from and it makes sense. Lets just hope it all goes well!

 (June 5th)

hopefully good news

I still haven't gotten my period so B called the clinic and we are getting my levels checked tomorrow to see where my cycle is at and where we can go from there. Hopefully we can move forward again soon.

(May 21st)

update

I started spotting but then it stopped. We called the clinic and they want us to wait until I have a full period. More waiting.

May 14th

not so good news

So I had my second lining ultrasound check today. We are using a local clinic for these ultrasounds and then they send the information over to the clinic we are using. I started to get a bit worried about things during the ultrasound when the doctor said my lining was looking a bit thin. I left with a bit of doubt but still hopeful. We are supposed to leave in a week for the transfer.

My doubt turned into complete disappointment, being heartbroken, embarrassment, regret.

I got a phone call from my nurse at our clinic to discuss the meds I had been taking. My lining was too thin, my hormone levels weren't where they should be. She asked me exactly what I had been doing and taking. Apparently I misunderstood what med I should of been injecting. All of my meds were sent at once. So I have meds that I should be taking now AND the ones that I will use later. When we had talked we went over ALL the meds. I knew the first few weeks I would be taking a med that started with a "de" and another one.

When I got my meds I looked at my med calendar and grabbed the pills out that matched up, they started with a "de". The calendar also said I would have IM injections of an EV2. For some reason I had it in my head that I would be taking the progesterone shots the whole time so I grabbed those out and assumed that was the EV2. My nurse had told me the meds may have a different name then what my calendar calls them. So when the day came to start the meds that is what I did.

I should have looked more carefully, I should have checked the names of the meds and made sure. I should have called my nurse with ANY questions.

But, I didn't.

So I took the wrong IM injections and  now we have to stop. Yes, stop. I am devastated. I feel so awful that I made this mistake and B and N have to be let down again, this time because of me. We have to wait until my period starts again. At that point if it works out with the doctors schedule I can start the correct meds and reschedule a transfer day. If it doesn't work with the doctor I have to go on birth control again until our schedules line up.

I feel so bad. On top of delaying the transfer, B has to cancel the hotel reservations, car reservations and reschedule work and so does Jean (she was going to come with us). Plus not sure if you remember but my cycles are anywhere from 30 days to 60 days in between. So who knows when I will start. Plus my little brother is getting married in a month so we will have to work the transfer around that too.

I know that this just means the transfer is being delayed and we will try in a month or two but this is MY mistake and it sucks.

(May 8th)

we begin!!!

B and I met this morning for a uterus lining check ultrasound. It was your average vaginal ultrasound. They just looked at my uterus and measured the thickness of my lining. They also measured each follicle forming. We will go back in 9 days to check it again and make sure the lining is thick enough to proceed forward with the transfer. They also took some blood.

I also start my meds today. I am taking a daily steroid pill, pre-natal vitamin and Tuesdays and Fridays I have to have an IM injection in my bum :) So as I was waiting for hubbs to get home from his late night shift to give me the shot I watched a few tutorials on how to inject the shots and information about the med. It is progesterone in oil so its super thick and you have to inject it slowly. Before I watched the videos I wasn't too nervous. After I watched them it freaked me out! I started getting so scared imagining hubbs inserting the needle in a "stabbing" motion as the video described.

I laid on the bed and gritted my teeth preparing for the worst. I had nothing to worry about! It wasn't bad at all. The blood that they took at my appointment earlier from my arm was much worse. I am glad the first shot is over and I can relax knowing it isn't so bad. We will continue with these meds for now. After my next ultrasound they will switch up the med schedule, adding more meds.

I am so grateful for such an amazing hubbs. He is so wonderful to be willing to give me my shots and support me through this. I am really grateful for all he does for me and our chitals! I really hope these next two weeks go fast!

(May 1st)

 So I got my BOX of meds today!  I opened it and was more surprised by the amount of needles that were inside then the medicine. I was expecting tons of medicine but not all those needles! I have my calendar of when to take my meds for the next 2 weeks. 3 days after I stop the birth control I will start on a daily steroid pill and 2 times a week shot of  progesterone. I will also have a lining ultrasound that day. 9 days later I will get another ultrasound and will be given a new meds calendar. These aren't even including the pre-natal vitamins or birth control pills I am on now!