thoughts on being a babymama for B now that the waters have been tested

More of the same thoughts and feelings. Except maybe stronger? The more I talk about it with my family and Hubbs the more I feel it is right. When I don't talk with someone about it for a few days the logic part and this is so crazy part creeps in. I start to get scared, nervous and question myself.

The second I start talking about it again the good feelings about it hit me ten fold. How can I deny those feelings?

Also when I think of being a babymama for B all I can think about is the complete JOY I am going to be able to give the Sweets. I can't wait for B to experience being a mommy to a little baby. To help fill that hole in her heart. I can not even imagine what it would be like to not be able to have littleones. To not know if a baby was ever in my future. When Hubbs and I were trying for our second it felt like an eternity to me. I wanted a littleone sooo bad it literally hurt. I wrote this journal entry

I hate that I have longer cycles. It seems so unfair that in the time someone gets 2 chances I have one. Hubbs is so supportive and I can tell he feels bad too. Last night as we drove home from dinner with our BFF's who announced they were pregnant he just let me sit in silence and then he held me while I cried in bed that night. He also just let me cry and vent over the phone when I called to tell him another friend just informed me she was pregnant. He said he'd been thinking of me all day. I know I am blessed to have TheBigGuy and such a loving husband, but still, I ache.

It seemed so terrible to me. I look back now and remember how I felt and think of how blessed I am that I CAN have littleones. Knowing that B must be feeling the way I felt, times a million, makes me so sad for her. I want her to be a mommy so bad.

Things that have been brought to my attention or that I have thought about that are reasons to not be a surro are: the morning sickness, the medication, the aches and pains of pregnancy, actual labor pain, not nursing after and having to wrap my boobs, the 4-6 week healing process which also equals no sex. All for someone else. But these seem so trite in terms of the gift I could give B and N. I don't even see them as a reason not to do this for them. Its so minimal compared to the outcome.

Katie's concern is that it would be too hard to give up the babe. To carry it, feel it move and give birth to it and then say goodbye so the baby can go home with its mommy and daddy. I don't know, and maybe I am naive, but I don't think it will be that hard. My thinking is that the baby is not mine, I am just its home for a little while until its real mama can care for it. Going into it knowing that its not my baby, its B's baby seems like it wont be so bad in the end. It will be amazing to see her with that baby knowing I was able to give that to her.

It does however make me nervous of how people may judge me or think I am crazy.  I deep down don't really care what anyone thinks besides my immediate family, especially my parents, but it will be hard to deal with.

My main concerns lie with the physical risks. Those risks are like in any pregnancy, putting my life at risk and my fertility at risk. I think the only way to get over these fears is to go on my faith and what I feel is right. No one can give me an answer that problems wont arise, even these two big ones. But I can go off of the fact that I feel its right. I have faith that it will work out.