I am scared

I called the fertility clinic today that B and N use. Jean questioned B's little sister enough to find out what clinic it was for me. I told them that I wanted to remain anonymous and that I had questions.  I spent about 20 minutes on the phone with them asking every question I could think of. Basically more of the same answers. The risks are the same as a normal pregnancy. There are no more added risks of a gestational surrogate pregnancy. I will be on just a few meds to help build my uterine wall and regulate my cycles to coincide with the procedure.

I was under the impression that most surrogates were finished with their own families. The lady I was talking with actually informed me that many of their surrogates are young moms who are trying to supplement their incomes and go on to have more children of their own.

I know reading these posts it looks like my mind is made up already. I know that it seems like I am just going off of these extremely strong feelings I have and I am not turning back, but that is not the case.

Am I really going to be able to handle carrying a littleone, feel it move, help it grow, give birth to it and just hand it over? I think I will be able to, knowing it is not mine but B's from the beginning. Plus I will be able to see the babe when I want. It will be like I am its auntie. Am I being naive?

I am scared. Nervous. Question myself everyday. Though these posts are just days apart, in real life this has been going on for about 4 weeks. I just didn't know when I was ready to post all this. I have prayed and prayed and gone to the temple. I have tried to think of all possibilities. Imagine all the bad moments that could happen. I feel like I have tried or am trying to go about every avenue I can to get a real, logical perspective of this situation.

In fact its all the logical that scares me. The logic part creeps in sometimes, especially when I haven't discussed or written about it for a few days. That is when I start to question. Yes everything should go fine. There should be no complications, but, there is always that but. Something could go wrong. If it were the worst case scenarios I would be devastated. I don't know what I would do. Is it worth that small risk?

The second I call one of my sisters or talk to Hubbs or write about my concerns and what I am feeling, that all goes away. I am taken back to the feelings and knowledge that it is good, it is right. Still there is a decision I have to make. I need to try and mix the logic with the spirit. How do you do that?