I knew this would happen. I knew I would have to deal with these feelings. I guess I just didn't think it would happen so soon. It caught me off guard. I had a reality check from a complete outsider. Risks were brought to my attention. A personal story was shared. It scared me. They were very nice about it, just concerned. I felt completely vulnerable. I questioned my decision. I still felt it was right and real but that tiny bit of doubt crept in.
I called Jean. She, like all my sisters, is always there. Though with Jean in this situation she keeps me on my toes. She says the hard truth. She talks through things with me, questions me. She doesn't want me to make this decision and regret it. For some silly reason she feels that if I do regret it or something bad happens it will be partially her fault. I don't know if that is because she is B's sister-in-law or she is a nurse or she is so close to the situation. I know she would do it herself for B if she could, but she can't right now in her life.
I talked with her about it. We went over the same stuff we have been over before about the reality of the risks. That it can happen. I know this. I have decided I am willing to go through though because I have prayed and felt the spirit so strong that I know its right. I start to feel better. Like I said I knew this was going to happen. I will be questioned. I am sure it will happen often. I am going to have to learn how to deal with it. I knew it would be a hard part about this process for me. I care what people think even though I try not to.
I am actually so grateful this happened now. Sooner then expected and catching me off guard helped me to realize that I have to be prepared for it. Since I haven't told B yet it would be super easy to back out now. If my first encounter with these comments and feelings that it stirred in me happened after I had told B I think I might have questioned myself more, if I made the right choice.
But since it happened before and I feel comfortable backing out still if I wanted, I think I will be able to deal with it all better in the future. So thank you, thank you for being real. I know my decision is still what is best for me and I hope not to question it again.
I still want to be the Sweets BabyMama!
I don't know you personally or things going on in your life other then this. BUT from the passion you share when you right about doing this, it is plain as day to me that your decision is the right one. Whenever my husband 2nd guesses something and ask my opinion or advice my go to answer it "what does your gut say" your initally gut feeling is almost 9 times out of 100 the best. If my gut feeling about something leans toward not doing it but my heart really wnats to , then I follow my gut and vis versa. Just some food for thought. My two cents... I hope you do it ;) I am so inspired by your blog already!
ReplyDeleteAgain, thank you! You are so right, I need to trust my first gut feelings. I know my choice is right but it still is so crazy to me and I am so grateful for others (your) insight. My family can only tell me and reassure me so much.
ReplyDeleteI am loving this blog because I feel like I can talk about this whole thing as much as I want and not feel like I am driving anyone crazy :) I also LOVE this blog because I feel like I can express my feelings and think through my thoughts so much better when I am typing it all down.
So feel free to comment as much as you want and tell me what you are thinking!