thoughts on being a babymama for B now that the waters have been tested

More of the same thoughts and feelings. Except maybe stronger? The more I talk about it with my family and Hubbs the more I feel it is right. When I don't talk with someone about it for a few days the logic part and this is so crazy part creeps in. I start to get scared, nervous and question myself.

The second I start talking about it again the good feelings about it hit me ten fold. How can I deny those feelings?

Also when I think of being a babymama for B all I can think about is the complete JOY I am going to be able to give the Sweets. I can't wait for B to experience being a mommy to a little baby. To help fill that hole in her heart. I can not even imagine what it would be like to not be able to have littleones. To not know if a baby was ever in my future. When Hubbs and I were trying for our second it felt like an eternity to me. I wanted a littleone sooo bad it literally hurt. I wrote this journal entry

I hate that I have longer cycles. It seems so unfair that in the time someone gets 2 chances I have one. Hubbs is so supportive and I can tell he feels bad too. Last night as we drove home from dinner with our BFF's who announced they were pregnant he just let me sit in silence and then he held me while I cried in bed that night. He also just let me cry and vent over the phone when I called to tell him another friend just informed me she was pregnant. He said he'd been thinking of me all day. I know I am blessed to have TheBigGuy and such a loving husband, but still, I ache.

It seemed so terrible to me. I look back now and remember how I felt and think of how blessed I am that I CAN have littleones. Knowing that B must be feeling the way I felt, times a million, makes me so sad for her. I want her to be a mommy so bad.

Things that have been brought to my attention or that I have thought about that are reasons to not be a surro are: the morning sickness, the medication, the aches and pains of pregnancy, actual labor pain, not nursing after and having to wrap my boobs, the 4-6 week healing process which also equals no sex. All for someone else. But these seem so trite in terms of the gift I could give B and N. I don't even see them as a reason not to do this for them. Its so minimal compared to the outcome.

Katie's concern is that it would be too hard to give up the babe. To carry it, feel it move and give birth to it and then say goodbye so the baby can go home with its mommy and daddy. I don't know, and maybe I am naive, but I don't think it will be that hard. My thinking is that the baby is not mine, I am just its home for a little while until its real mama can care for it. Going into it knowing that its not my baby, its B's baby seems like it wont be so bad in the end. It will be amazing to see her with that baby knowing I was able to give that to her.

It does however make me nervous of how people may judge me or think I am crazy.  I deep down don't really care what anyone thinks besides my immediate family, especially my parents, but it will be hard to deal with.

My main concerns lie with the physical risks. Those risks are like in any pregnancy, putting my life at risk and my fertility at risk. I think the only way to get over these fears is to go on my faith and what I feel is right. No one can give me an answer that problems wont arise, even these two big ones. But I can go off of the fact that I feel its right. I have faith that it will work out.

I am scared

I called the fertility clinic today that B and N use. Jean questioned B's little sister enough to find out what clinic it was for me. I told them that I wanted to remain anonymous and that I had questions.  I spent about 20 minutes on the phone with them asking every question I could think of. Basically more of the same answers. The risks are the same as a normal pregnancy. There are no more added risks of a gestational surrogate pregnancy. I will be on just a few meds to help build my uterine wall and regulate my cycles to coincide with the procedure.

I was under the impression that most surrogates were finished with their own families. The lady I was talking with actually informed me that many of their surrogates are young moms who are trying to supplement their incomes and go on to have more children of their own.

I know reading these posts it looks like my mind is made up already. I know that it seems like I am just going off of these extremely strong feelings I have and I am not turning back, but that is not the case.

Am I really going to be able to handle carrying a littleone, feel it move, help it grow, give birth to it and just hand it over? I think I will be able to, knowing it is not mine but B's from the beginning. Plus I will be able to see the babe when I want. It will be like I am its auntie. Am I being naive?

I am scared. Nervous. Question myself everyday. Though these posts are just days apart, in real life this has been going on for about 4 weeks. I just didn't know when I was ready to post all this. I have prayed and prayed and gone to the temple. I have tried to think of all possibilities. Imagine all the bad moments that could happen. I feel like I have tried or am trying to go about every avenue I can to get a real, logical perspective of this situation.

In fact its all the logical that scares me. The logic part creeps in sometimes, especially when I haven't discussed or written about it for a few days. That is when I start to question. Yes everything should go fine. There should be no complications, but, there is always that but. Something could go wrong. If it were the worst case scenarios I would be devastated. I don't know what I would do. Is it worth that small risk?

The second I call one of my sisters or talk to Hubbs or write about my concerns and what I am feeling, that all goes away. I am taken back to the feelings and knowledge that it is good, it is right. Still there is a decision I have to make. I need to try and mix the logic with the spirit. How do you do that?

The answers to my concerns

I have done a ton of internet surfing looking for answers. You know what, there is not a ton of information about surrogacy out there. I found a bunch of organizations who want to help you become a surrogate. They explain how to apply, qualifications, etc. But nothing about risks or what actually goes on. All I could find was that it is like a regular pregnancy with those same risks.

So I thought I would turn to my OB office. Waiting for my appointment in April was killing me. I don't know of any surrogacy offices to contact and can't ask B for hers cause I don't want her to know I am even thinking of this until I am 150% sure I am doing it.

Lucky for me Jean is a L&D nurse at a hospital my OB's work at. Today they had some down time and she brought up my concerns with one of my OB's.  After they talk about it a while he disappears only to come back 20 minutes later with some research he had done. He gave Jean the papers and told her to give them to me. THEN he called me! Unfortunately I was on the other line with an insurance company talking about the car accident I was in yesterday so I didn't answer.

Well Dr D left me a lengthy message letting me know that he doesn't know much but what he could find and what he does know is basically I should wait at least 6 months in between pregnancies, there are normal risks that go with any pregnancy, if I can I should talk to a specialist, to call him if I had any questions, he was sorry the way I was treated by the staff and that he hoped me and LittleDarlin (whom he helped with her labor process) were doing good.

Do you see why I LOVE my Dr's? Most Dr's wouldn't have done that. It was such a relief to hear from my own Dr that he didn't feel there were any significant extra risks and that he cared. AND now I don't have to wait a month, get a sitter or pay a copay to ask a few questions!

Later when I talk to Jean she also tells me that he asked her if I was religious. She tells him I am and that is half the reason I am considering being a surro for B and N is because of the feelings I have had. He tells her that he feels that those feelings are very important too when making a decision like this. It is so comforting to know I am not alone on this in more ways than one.

And now, as I am sitting here on Katie's bed typing, I wonder to myself "Really, am I really going to do this?" Letting the logic creep in. I look over at her mirror.

Written on it is ... Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid. John 14:27

I LOVE my OB

But I absolutely HATE its staff. With CutenessBuns and LittleDarlin I used the same OB practice. I love the Dr's and completely trust them. Their office staff on the other hand just sucks. They forget to check me in, they don't tell me its a 2 hour wait cause there was an emergency meanwhile my children run around and scream in the lobby (lets face it, 2 hours in a dr office lobby sucks), they schedule wrong appointment times, they are rude and so unhappy you feel bad for bugging them.

If I had their job I would try and be upbeat, come on, more then half these patients are coming in because they are pregnant. As a patient your Dr's appointments are exciting and you look forward to them because you are coming in to hear or track your littleones progress.

Well with that said my experience with them recently was nothing but more suckiness. I called because I wanted to meet with one of my OB's to talk with them about the risks and their thoughts of becoming a babymama so soon after having LittleDarlin and the possibility of getting pregnant 6 months to a year after the Sweets babe is born. Well the receptionist wouldn't schedule me an appointment when I told her I just had questions for the OB when she had asked what my appointment was for.

So she sent my call to the nurses station. The nurse asks why I am calling. I proceed to tell her that I just had a littleone 3 months ago and that I am considering becoming a surrogate and wanted to talk with an OB about how long I should wait in between and the risks. The nurse goes off. I should wait AT LEAST one year in between pregnancies and they can't tell me if everything will be fine and I need to give my body time to lose the weight and do I even have insurance? ........ What? Ya, she asked that. I should of told her its none of her damn business but in the moment I was kind of taken off guard so I just answered yes.

Finally I ask her if I can, or can not have an appointment to talk with an OB. The nurse sends me back to the scheduler and says to schedule a preconception appointment. Funny thing is there are no openings for over a month. Reluctantly I take the appointment at the end of April and hang up.

Immediately I call Jean to complain that the OB office is so ridiculous and its a good thing the Dr's are good. When I was telling her about it I realize they never even took my name or DOB. How did they make me an appointment? More so how am I going to go over a month without answers? I can't wait that long. Jean brings to my attention that the nurse was probably set off when I said something about surrogacy and she probably thought I was in it for money. Well I'm not and so what if I was? Again non a her business!

I am so mad, now I have to figure out another way to get my questions answered.

Could you ever be a surrogate?

I posted the question on a web board I frequent "Could you ever be a surrogate?" I am so glad I have this board for many reasons but one of them was for something like this. I was grateful to have outsiders tell me there honest opinions and to help me see the reasons others would or would not do it.

Most responses were "NO" and their reasoning being they don't think they could carry a littleone for 40 weeks and then give it away. I can see this point of view and honestly before my first, definitely after my first and maybe even six weeks ago depending on the day I may have responded the same way.

But now its different, I feel so different about it all. Shocking to me a lot of them said they could donate their eggs but not carry a baby and give it to someone. I wanted to share what I wrote back because it seems when I am in the moment of conversation the words just come out better with how I feel about it.

I see what you are all saying and I have thought about it in so much depth I am torn. I don't think I could ever donate eggs because that baby is APART of me. But carrying her baby for her, knowing the whole time it is HERS and for HER and the joy SHE will have getting to be a mom makes me think it wouldn't be so hard to give her the baby. I have had easy pregnancies and i enjoy being pregnant. And like a previous poster said with all three of my previous pregnancies I didn't feel that instant bond, it came later for me.

I have always felt like I could/should do it for her later in life when we were done having kids. But I have always worried that having one for her would leave me feeling like I wanted ONE more of our own. Hubbs and I want one or two more BUT we are not ready for another littleone for at least 2 years. We have 3 under 5 right now.

These are the types of waters I wanted to test. Funny how when I first thought about testing them I didn't know what decision it would pull me towards. All it has done is made my conviction that it is right grow stronger.

the risks

If I do this for B and N I will just be the gestational surrogate. I would not be donating my eggs. B and N already have embryos frozen, ready to be implanted. There are a ton less meds then when donating eggs and from what I have found less risk of complications. From what I can find the major risks of being a surrogate are just like in any normal pregnancy. Yes, I understand they are there. 


In my searching for answers I found this site with their risks and complications of being a surrogate.  http://www.eggdonorsurrogacyusa.com/surrogate_risks.php

• Blood drawing - mild discomfort and some risk of developing a bruise at the needle site.
  
  
• Reaction to Fertility medication - hot flushes, feeling down or irritable, headaches and restlessness.
  
  
• Risks Associated with Pregnancy - including but not limited too: exhaustion, nausea, indigestion, constipation, weight gain, bloating, backaches, difficulty sleeping, breast pain, higher blood pressure, hormonal mood changes, stretch marks, loose skin, abdominal and vaginal muscle weakness, varicose veins, pre-eclampsia, placenta previa, gestational diabetes, anemia, embolism, cardiopulmonary arrest, placental abruption, molar pregnancy, future infertility, permanent disability, and death.
  
  
• Ultrasound examinations - no known risks, minimal discomfort.
  
  
• Psychological distress - sometimes associated with assisted reproductive technology  procedures.
  
  
• Carrying Multiples - Multiple births carry risks to the health of the mother and the unborn babies.
  
  
• Post-Partum Depression after Delivery - sadness and depression after delivering the child/children. 

I look at these risks and it does scare me a bit. I have had normal, healthy pregnancies in the past and can only pray for the same if I choose to do this. When I think real hard about all these (mainly the chance of infertility and death) I think,

I can't do this.

At the DI with Jamie

Jamie is a DI junkie. She loves going to the DI and looking for furniture, frames, lamps and mirrors that she can one day re-do. She has a collection of old, unfinished furniture in her garage and basement. I believe she has started on two pieces but hasn't quite finished them. I would guess she has close to 20 not touched yet. Jamie is good at haggling the DI people and always gets a good deal, I love going with her.

Lately we have been running errands together when we can. While we were out we stopped at a couple DI's. So we get inside and for some reason right there I blurt out "Have you ever just had a feeling you should do something and it seems crazy but you can't deny that you feel it?" She begs, "What is it". "It is so hard to explain but I don't know if I have ever felt something pushing me to do something so strongly in my life, ever. I think I am supposed to have B's baby." Jamie looks at me and says "I am shocked... ... ... it is odd to say but you are right, it feels right but I am shocked!" We talk, and I get all emotional about it standing in the middle of the DI. I can honestly say this was one of the most spiritual experiences I have ever had, in the DI. Once again my feelings are verified to me that this is right. Jamie tells me she is getting goose bumps. She can feel it too. Half of what she is saying about her thoughts and feelings are things I have already thought and said. She gets it. Is this real?

In the end we leave the DI with a settee for me, a hutch and two lamps for her piled in the back of my truck. As we drive down the freeway I look in the mirror and watch the lamp shade blowing and think to myself "Oh my gosh, this is really going to happen. I am going to try and be a babymama!"